ANOYMOUSE

The glowing screen flickers in the corner; the flat line pulses once again. Another message from him, the only one who sees the truth and isn’t afraid to speak it. Hiding behind an avatar; the mouse with no identity. A shivering anime rodent with a pixellated face. One message a month, no replies and no repeats. I don’t know how he found me. His address is blocked, encrypted, hidden. He could be sending to millions, or maybe it’s just me. Compulsory reading for the interactionally challenged, full of the knowledge that keeps us in place.

The Squeak - AnonyMouse joins the dots you can’t see.
No.17

"Take it or leave it: my cheese, your choice. The choicest selections from the popular press, assembled in one, easily digestible portion for your convenience.
This month’s topic is SEX. You know what it is, dream how it happens, and can’t wait for the day when you get to try it with someone else for a change. Everybody else is doing it, so why can’t you? Read on for further clues.

Japanese women don’t want you. Classes on how to appear more desirable for Western men are popular. Why buy local? Short and sweet no match for fun and hung.
Our women would rather blow homeless men wallowing in their own filth. Happens in Nagoya under the blue plastic. Anonymous head in the dark parks. She might need a shower after but she she’ll never have to cook him dinner.

How old are you? Sex is only for kids these days. If you’re married, forget it, the numbers don’t lie: married-over-forty-fifty percent getting-sex less than once a month. All the responsibilities and few of the privileges. Stay at home, don’t make one.

If you can’t fuck it, fake it. Members of men’s group in Shimokitazawa compete to be crowned ‘Air Sex Champion’. Just like Air Guitar: no strings. The winner goes home alone.

You deserve the pain of separation. Maybe you even want it. Tamakeri porn is making a comeback in the popularity stakes. Men lining up to get naked and kicked in the balls. Understanding this one a tough nut to crack. If you can’t join with them, get them to beat you instead.

Young men don’t have balls anyway. Mail order underwear without a front opening popular for tweens, teens and twixters. Sitting down before yellow and brown is the new black. No sideways glances to scare you off.

Emasculated Japanese men let their fingers do the walking in the search for titillation. The Chikan Tomo-no-Kai (The Gropers’ Fellowship) has been formally established so that those who delight in groping women on trains can compare techniques and experiences. What’s the collective noun? A handful? We need to get a grip, on ourselves – not on others.

Internet dating – enjo kosai. Meeting teens on deai-kai (encounter websites), premium prices for private school uniformed princcess. Seducing schoolgirls for sex-earned salaries. Shoes and scarves result. Chanel and Prada, the very thought makes me harder.

No body knows what to do or how to do it right. One in five pregnancies is aborted. Too young, too poor, too unwilling, too many exams. Hard to accessorie with a baby in tow. Bunshu-in temple in Ginza is where you can go. Pray for its soul with a thousand others with regrets. Make a reservation or you won’t get in. 340,000 souls a year means a lot of prayers.

No baby, no woman? Get a doll. Life-size, fun-size ‘Dutch Wives’. All the realistic features and none of the complications or criticism. Business is booming at selected outlets, just make sure yours isn’t an ex-rental model, because you’ll never know where’s she been or been done.

The gay rent-boys in Shinjuku are stealing your women with their superior conversation skills and pleasant company. Forget about the sex though. How bad must things be for breeding females to prefer the company of gay hookers over arrogant behaviour and misogynist values of straight men? Time for a long hard look at yourself boys.

Maybe the eggheads have it! A doctor claims that the size and shape of a woman’s breasts determine her character and personality. So more breasts equals more personality? But when a counsellor starts promoting a ring-tone that increases the bust-size of listeners, it is downloaded an unprecedented ten thousand times during its first week on sale. Perhaps women don’t have personality to begin with? Of course not. You just find them more interesting when they have twin head-rests on their chests.

No man about the house means lonely wives and sad domestic lives. Step forward the ‘sex volunteers’! Not for cash, just a kind-hearted public service involving drought-breaking in-home servicing. He can keep his hostess bars, long hours and expense accounts. There is always time to play during the day.

Mother fixation #1. The rumours have been around for years. Keeping it in the family means more time for junior to study for his exams without worrying about young floozies elsewhere. Mothers and sons? That’s one you won’t be sharing with your friends.

Mother fixation #2. Working men are advertising for surrogate ‘mummies’ to hire. They miss that maternal touch and will pay for the privilege. They want their meals cooked, company in bed, and even their ears cleaned. Just like mothers used to do. Empty nesters miss their own kids. Everyone is happy.

New word for the year: Nonai kanojo – ‘brain-inside girlfriend’ – your fantasy girl – a virtual partner who doesn’t actually exist. The ultimate in safe sex.

You may never break your drought. Hers broke long ago while you were watching hentai. Hymen restoration clinic hasn’t made amends for twenty years. No-one values chastity anymore. No chance of getting even when you can’t even get.


That’s all for this month, so until next time, keep your hands where I can see them and remember that no fiction can be stranger than this truth."